Have you ever sat across the table from a friend, family member, or co-worker who said, "Just relax, it will happen."? Did you feel an overwhelming urge to scream, cry, or wonder if you will ever actually have a baby?
How can you possibly relax when you are going through one of the most stressful experiences of your life, all while pumping your body with hormones? Infertility, IVF, and fertility treatments are physically and emotionally exhausting. Grief and loss following a miscarriage or failed treatment can feel unbearable. Well-meaning but misguided comments can add to that pain, making an already difficult journey even harder.
Below are the top things not to say to someone experiencing infertility, undergoing fertility treatment, or grieving a pregnancy or baby loss.
What Not to Say to Someone Facing Infertility, Fertility Treatment, or Loss
1. "At least you know you can get pregnant."
Pregnancy loss is devastating, and this phrase dismisses the emotional and physical toll it takes. Knowing conception is possible doesn’t ease the grief of losing a baby.
2. "You can try again."
This minimizes the loss and assumes that trying again is simple. Every loss is unique, and trying again may not be emotionally, physically, or financially feasible.
3. "Just relax."
Telling someone struggling with infertility to relax is dismissive. Stress doesn’t cause infertility, and fertility treatments involve complex medical factors beyond someone’s control.
4. "Take a holiday."
Infertility isn’t something that disappears with a vacation. A getaway won’t change medical conditions requiring treatment, and suggesting this may make someone feel like they aren’t doing enough.
5. "It wasn't meant to be."
This implies that their loss was somehow predestined or acceptable. It’s painful and dismissive of the deep grief they are experiencing.
6. "You need to move on."
Grief doesn’t have a timeline. Telling someone to move on invalidates their emotions and healing process.
7. "You could always adopt."
Adoption is a deeply personal decision, not a simple solution to infertility. It’s not a replacement for the dream of carrying a biological child.
8. "Things happen for a reason."
This phrase may feel comforting to some, but for someone experiencing infertility, IVF failure, or pregnancy loss, it can feel like their pain is being brushed aside.
9. "It could be worse."
Comparing someone’s grief to other situations doesn’t help. Loss is loss, and everyone processes it differently.
10. "At least you weren’t too far along."
No matter the gestation, the loss of a pregnancy is heartbreaking. Minimizing someone’s loss based on timing is insensitive and hurtful.
What to Say to Someone Facing Infertility, Fertility Treatment, or Loss
If you want to support someone facing infertility, fertility treatments, or pregnancy loss, consider saying:
"I’m so sorry for what you’re going through."
"I’m here if you need to talk."
"This must be so hard. How can I support you?"
"I don’t have the right words, but I care about you."
A compassionate, non-judgmental space is crucial when navigating infertility, grief, and loss. If you or someone you love is struggling, seeking professional counselling can provide support during this journey.
Final Thoughts
Words matter. When supporting someone facing infertility, IVF, or fertility treatment, avoid dismissive phrases and instead offer empathy and understanding. Your kindness can make a world of difference in their healing process.
Make an appointment with Emma at Your Story Counselling.
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